I plan on getting back into the game, the game of life, the game of reality.

Look, I’m 44 and have been an avid hardcore porn watcher of magazines and movies since I was 19, and as liberal and free-thinking as I try to believe I am, I still feel dread and discomfort after dealing with porn. Sure, shaking hands with myself while watching porn has been a source of great physical relief over the years. I’ve endured many an orgasmic seizure courtesy of Mary Palm & her 5 sisters. To see the kind of person who matches every physical characteristic you desire on a DVD, right there, right now doing the things you can only dream of doing is certainly a great experience.

Yet, there’s that cutting sense of disgust and pathos that comes with it. Afterwards, I feel like, “Yo, dude…you need to dial 1-800-GETALIFE.” I look at the guys who are in these skin flicks. They’re usually short, butt ugly, barrel-bellied cats with about five teeth in their mouth who are adorned with low-grade tattoos and have breasts nearly the same size as the woman. I’m a reasonably good looking feller who looks good in his clothes, and I’m sitting up here watching these lowlifes doing the “Double Bump” when I should be out there in the real world trying to meet real live women!

I’m just one dandy dude telling my own story. This may not even apply to you kind folks out there reading this, but I’ll tell you what porn has done for my life. First, it has robbed me of vast sums of money. I could buy a new, top-of-the-line Escalade with the money I’ve spent on porn over the years. Now with the advent of downloadable videos, you’re only a mouse click or two away from instant sexploitation. The financial drain has now opened wider. Second, porn has taken my time. I think of the truly positive things I could have been doing instead of watching porn while making soup for one, like helping a friend in need, donating meals/clothes to the homeless or teaching an adult to read.

Porn sends you so many delusions. It makes us menfolk think that this is what women actually want. Yes, there are women out there who are just as dirty and low-down as men when it comes to sexual behavior, who can only work with a Dodger dog, and who just can’t seem to get enough, who are always starvin’ like Marvin. I think they are the exceptions.

I believe a woman still gets turned on mentally first, then the good feelings travel to the heart, and finally, the physical is ready like Freddie. I just can’t believe the women in porn really enjoy what they’re doing on screen. I really believe that most of them come in psychologically damaged from back in the day. I just don’t think they believe reducing themselves to dogs in heat on screen, consuming nameless, faceless wee-wee’s every week, willingly risking meningoencephalitis, hard chancre, gonorrhea, and HIV by taking the high hard one bareback is fun or entertaining. They’re really worrying about the next STD report. They’re really worrying about landing the next gig–particularly if they are a low-end porn actress. They’ve long lost the ability to really feel and love.

And when it is all over, when they are of retirement age, when their breasts start to sag and look like turkey drumsticks, and when they look like a beat-up hag like Madonna or Whitney Houston, what then? What man is going to want a ho–particularly an old ho!–for a wife? What man would be proud to show up for Bingo Night or a P.T.A. meeting with a woman named Lotsa Coxx? Further, most of these women who are in porn have children…good goobilly-woo!

I got so caught up in the pornographic rapture I recently e-mailed a certain BBW porn actress that is on the rise nationally, a personal favorite of mine. I didn’t come with the usual vulgar, unparliamentary language that every dude uses when visiting websites of the “stars.” I didn’t say, “Hey, you’s a fine a** b****! I’d like to bury my **** in your *****!” nor did I upload a picture of my hootie-hoo standing at attention in all of its glory. I wanted to show some dignity and professionalism–even in the sordid community of porn. I even left my cell number. And I’ll be doggone if she didn’t text me on my cell the next day! In my hyped up state, I’m thinking, “Yyyyessss! Booty time!” I’m thinking I’m going to hitch a ride to Fantasy Island where both Ricardo Montalban AND Herve Villechaize will welcome me with open arms. She was looking for more work, she said. The text conversation started leaning towards getting together.

But, the excitement waned, and I started thinking aloud. “What if she’s thinking this is a trick transaction?” “What if she has herpes simplex 10?” “What if she’s got a closet crack habit?” Then, I decided, “HHHELLLLLL, naw!” Luckily, she didn’t call back like she promised in her text.

Folks, I write this missive not for you, but actually for myself. This is basically my retirement-from-porn farewell address. With the understated wit of John F. Kennedy and casual grace of Barack Obama, I make this solemn pledge: as soon as I submit this, I’m getting rid of all the porn collectibles that I’ve amassed on my computer. A man with any semblance of dignity should not have to live life through a computer screen; he shouldn’t have to try and find love and commitment through cheesy dating websites or leering at hackey, 4th rate porn DVDs. There is a life out there dab gummit, and I plan on getting back into the game, the game of life, the game of reality.

Pray for me, y’all…

© hmsheppard

Comments (27 comments)

God loves you unconditionally…

Anonymous / September 14th, 2009, 10:37 pm / #

People from all over have the problem you have but its never too late to come back.. Try looking into religon, and things like that. I suggest Islam, and try reading the quran for your questions that need answers.

N4M / September 17th, 2009, 2:46 am / #

I double what you said. Not a worse way to waste time

Anonymous / September 20th, 2009, 7:14 am / #

lm sure u can now live with yoself

May the good Lord welcum u lost child

Lovehall / September 20th, 2009, 6:59 pm / #

peace bro
i was reading what you were saying and i was like… may god guide this gu, may god bless you i seriously respect every word of what you said.
anyways i hope you the best in the future..
and im glad you came out of the degrading bussiness
but theres too much of it =(, our society is soo currupt i mean i live in england and here everyone doesnt value the meaning of sex… they think its somehintg cheap you give to any old folk you met in uni least year or somthing =(
anyways i thank god that my religion prohibits this stuff =)
salaam bro
take care =D

Muslim girl =) / September 21st, 2009, 5:33 pm / #

after all good things guide to a real life…jesus will wormly welcm u back..i,m also changing my self.

keith / September 22nd, 2009, 1:53 am / #

wow, i liked you testimonial. you could be a speaker for teenagers! damn if u are from my country i would have invited u to my club to give a speech! but too bad the way you write doesn sound like malaysian to me. hehe. anyway all the best! you made a note in my head.

felix / September 24th, 2009, 11:14 am / #

ty for this u helped me see clearly in my life and am sure if u put ur mind into it u can get urs back peace

secret admirer / October 1st, 2009, 1:41 am / #

dude wish u all the best acctually i learned a lot from your testimonial yah its really hard to go out in that kind of addiction but i strongly believe that theres always a way. put yourself to the lord first and everything will comes to follow.

anonymous / October 13th, 2009, 10:10 am / #

I think that was a well written letter, and i appreciate it what you have done for yourself. I have to say everyone else should cut out the religious aspects, like: jesus will accept you back. Not every person who does something good for themselves, is looking to be saved by a imaginary figure our society has been fooled into beleiving in order to save ourselves from a fiery hell. Cut it with the religious nonsense, a good life is not neccesarily a religious one.

MIKE / October 20th, 2009, 7:59 am / #

wow, thanks 4 sharing that.the truth is that u have feed your fleash 4 a very longtime, so your spirite is wick, and ur flesh is taking the best of you, that is why you really don’t want to go back but u find yourself doing the same thing over again. i want to invite u to christ. he still love u and no matter what u have done he still wants you back and he is ready to accept you. JESUS LOVE U.Plz read d bible and attend a GOD believing church where d true word of God is preached.Is the only way to stop u from going back,discipline alone can not stop u plz say this prayed so that God will help you.plz father forgive me my sins i am sorry 4 every sin i have commited against u, have mercy on me i believe u re God and that your son Jesus christ died on the cross for my sin thank u 4 giving me a new life.amen. thats all.welcome.

lucky / October 24th, 2009, 6:40 am / #

I would just like to mention job well done; you wrote exceedingly well, and your story was greatly touching. I’m sure it has given many epiphanies to young men, maybe even older men. My boyfriend dealt with porn beginning when he was merely eight years old, by his older cousin, who lured him into the degrading scheme. At sixteen, half of his life was almost devoted to porn. Every night, he would watch a video before bed for anywhere between ten minutes and five hours. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Point being, when he found himself a stable relationship like myself, he wanted to stop. Not for me, but for himself. After months of trial and error, he finally discontinued his dirty deed. Well, not to say he didn’t take up his dirty deed on his own time with imagery of me, but not online, with fake women. Long story short, we broke up a year and a few months later and completely refrained from talking for the both of our needs. Several months after wards I ran into him and we talked for a little while. He then told me he was back into his porn addiction, fill throttle. Just don’t be like him. An epiphany can dissolve.

The girlfriend who's boyfriend watched porn / December 22nd, 2009, 12:16 am / #

I used to watch porn regularly since I was 13 years old(really bad). I watched that useless stuff upto one year and when I turned 15, I was just like a hanger on which only clothes were hanging. At that point I realized that this was enough. I made my mind to quit but I could not. By God, I really wanted but I could not. In 2002 when I was turning to 16 on April, I joined Taik Won Do (a kind of martial arts) club just for a hobby. I never knew that it would bring a change. But it did and I really involved in it. Now I am 20 and enjoying the realities of life. I am very much positve in my thinking now.I have never watched porn since I was awarded white belt(the very first belt in Taik Won Do) . Indeed, sports bring a lot of positve changes.But I prefer religion more. I now laugh just when I look into my past.

anonymous / December 27th, 2009, 7:04 pm / #

wow! your letter/ blog really inspired me and because of you i am going to give up porn as well. THANK YOU!

Luke / December 28th, 2009, 6:57 am / #

Truly inspirational. As we say in synagogue, may god bless you and keep you. Putting the truth out there is the first step towards healing, so you’re already on your way.

Tom / January 28th, 2010, 2:54 am / #

wow you’re all a bunch of fags. Not in the gay way in the retard way. I think some of you are too high in the clouds for any part of God to have a normal conversation with you. A great deal of what this middle aged author discusses is presently inapplicable though i honestly can barely read through this self loathing/God forgiving sermon of how sexually insecure this man has been his entire life while not intoxicated by his own sex driving hormones. You put so much emphasis on what porn does. It seems the problem you really have is your letting the things you watch teach you things it doesn’t say. The only thing you should be learning from porn is uncommon sexual practices. The fact is anything that intrigues a person male or female they will be inclined to try. If you start interpreting messages from a film full of ooo’s, ahh’s and OH god’s! your as dumbass as catholics, mormans, and cult-like baptists who all interpret messages from passages of the bible that aren’t even in their bible or any others. PARENTS if you don’t want your children getting the wrong idea about sex teach them almost everything. Teach them what sex is, how its viewed based on relationships, age, and culture. Teach them the way of “your people” and the ways of other people. Present TANGIBLE evidence as to your reasoning why the way’s of other’s are wrong by the way of “your people”. Give them the choice with all the knowledge to wait for perfected love and jump at the young exciting thrill. Even teach them how to be good at it, or risk them finding inappropriate teachers and practicing. Be aware of the effects of hormones and chemicals in the food. Young teens develop quicker with every generation. The key to parenthood is understanding, respect, fairness, and knowledge. Parenthood is more about strategy then punishing for every transgression you discover. Know everything, admit to know almost nothing, advise like an all-wise prophet. Let your children think your parenting is guided by fate that pitting your wits against theirs (most of you are not as smart as you think you are). Your children know how to stroke your ego’s, how to let you think you know what they really do but always distract you from the truth.

Anonymous / February 1st, 2010, 4:18 am / #

Hey man, that took a lot of courage to write something like this! I enjoyed your humor in the article it’s obvious your an intelligent person. Thanks for sharing this was quite fun to read! It was really nice to see how you looked at the issue from all ends of the spectrum with the women and how they are portrayed and how they actually are in the industry! It’s obvious your a very considerate person. I’m a girl and it’s very, very nice to see a guy see the troubles porn can give you. Also saying the “time” thing. Your absolutely right time is the most valuable thing in the world. You can never get it back, and things you do in your “time” defines your life. Good for you. I’m very happy for you.

Good for you! / February 2nd, 2010, 3:52 am / #

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am 16 and trying to give it up as well. It is not the basis of my life but I end up wasting a lot of time and my potential, It is good to know that it is not only me who has strong urges and hopefully, I will find my way 🙂

Eklipse / February 4th, 2010, 1:32 pm / #

love your letter and it completely inspired me! >.< and im also giving up porn. so thank you for the letter it influenced me and made me believe that maybe there is something to do better than watching porn everyday thank you!

Damon / February 10th, 2010, 9:06 pm / #

wow…………………… here in Nigeria you don’t get people to talk heart to heart with you. All you get is some self-righteous hypocrite trying to tag you for a sexual maniac on the way to doom, instead of calling ”a spade a spade”, presenting things as they really are, and help others learn from their very many common mistakes………, thus, saving many a life. Thanks bro., I should get some teens to read this, kind nof help spread the gospel.

ayo / February 27th, 2010, 3:25 am / #

In my professional opinion , as a member of the American Psycological Association, there are many more people with this problem out there in the world, but it all depends on what they see good, for those that do not see this as a good thing, I believe that you have reached out a hand for them, my hats off to you,son

Dr. Keith Jackson / March 3rd, 2010, 11:44 pm / #

hey,u did a good thing and i appriciate it!hope all who will read this will understand

Spidaboy / March 17th, 2010, 11:15 pm / #


-_- / April 15th, 2010, 2:39 am / #


dia / April 17th, 2010, 9:54 pm / #

Overall I agree and I’m only 15 but here in the states us youth are completley desensitized to sex. We just think hey there a drunk hotty let’s go pound that , and I’m no exception this is a insperation to me so I as well am done porn but seriously the youth in our community are surrounded by sex evey day wether it be t.v / computer or magazines it’s starting to become ridiculos.

Ps vary nice

Rick / April 22nd, 2010, 11:59 am / #

well done! good luck, you’re abseloutlely right. 🙂

girl / May 20th, 2010, 3:48 am / #

That’s all very well and good…but dude…try erasing 24 years of porn from your mind….it’s not gonna happen.

pessimistic / June 14th, 2010, 9:12 am / #

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