Couple Fights: Be Fair

Whether a couple has been dating for a while or is living together in a relationship or marriage, spending a lot of time with each other can cause certain issues to arise. There are many changes that may occur to cause a couple to begin bickering. If these issues are not addressed in the proper way, the bickering can grow into fighting and that can break a relationship. They key to solving problems is to understand what is causing the fights and to learn the art of fighting fair.

When a couple first gets together, each has their own little habits that the other may find amusing. Perhaps one person eats loudly for example. Their partner, being in love, may find this amusing and lovable, the affection that they feel for the other person allows them to overlook any flaws and pass them off as being a cute quirk. Once a couple has spent a good deal of time together, these quirks that were once thought of as cute, may begin to cause irritation. Also, as time goes by, issues are certainly going to arise. Just as a single person must deal with the ups and downs of life, so must a couple. Life is not always fair, it is not always kind and it most unavoidably will throw a curve ball now and again. If a couple has the skills of dealing with the issues that come up, they most certainly can learn to fight fair.

Constant and cruel fighting will produce one of two things: the couple will eventually break up or they will remain in a relationship that is unhealthy and unhappy. Since neither one of those options is a pleasing one, fighting fair appears to be the solution. Whether a person is angry at their loved one for forgetting an important occasion or they have done something that is truly hurtful, following certain guidelines is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship.

First and foremost, when a person in a relationship is upset about something, that issue should be given what is called a timeout rule. No matter what the issue, if it is brought up while it is fresh, the person who is angry will undoubtedly be the most upset and that is the worst time to talk. Giving the issue time to settle down is a good step in the right direction. If a person has had a bad day, is tired or perhaps frustrated over a different matter, something that seemed to be very upsetting may not seem so bad after it has sat for an hour. If after that one hour timeline, a person still feels there is an issue, it is then time to follow the guidelines of fighting fair.

The person who feels angry and offended should try their absolute best to refrain from yelling. When a person is yelled at, even if they know they are in the wrong, human instinct kicks in and they will react in defense. It is a matter of self preservation. The partner who is angry should approach the other person when things seem quite and it appears to be a good time to talk. Trying to choose a time that will have a minimal number of interruptions is a good idea. When fighting, it is best to seriously consider it a discussion. If a person refrains from yelling, name calling and throwing things, an issue certainly can remain just a discussion and not turn into a fight.

To be fair, the discussion should not involve past acts. As it is, there is already an issue to discuss, bring up past mistakes and errors will only cause a defensive reaction from the other person and will diminish any resolution. When an argument ensues, it is very helpful to show respect for each other and give yourself the “turn” rule. Following this rule is simple; each person is given a certain amount of time to talk, three minutes for example. When that time is up, the other person must make a statement showing that they listened and understood. Then it is their turn to speak and their partner must show the same respect in return. Following this fighting fair method, this can quickly lead to a happy ending. Once couples fight fair and the ugly side of arguments is taken away, a relationship can grow into a wonderful union.

Comments (5 comments)


Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and 3 months now. We spend ALOT of time together–probably three or four times a week, ALL day long. He’s also 5 years older than me, (I’m 17 and he’s 22), which could be a factor in why we bicker alot.

When we begin dating, we never fought, argued, bickered, or anything of the sort. Disagreements were inevitable, but we always managed to apologize and continue on. Once our relationship became sexual was when the fighting began.

Now, we fight pretty much everytime we’re together–usually over nothing. It’s never gotten physical, but we’ve had some words that could have been pretty hurtful.

I finally gave him an ultimatum; if the fighting continued, I was gone, but now I see what I can do to maybe help out fighting problem.

I hope maybe we can work it out, because I love him so much, and I can’t see myself without him. We have a fun and goofy relationship when we aren’t arguing, but fighting all the time just takes so much energy out of me that the fun doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Now I have something to go by, and I feel better knowing that we aren’t the only couple who fight.


Breann / August 12th, 2007, 12:30 pm / #

Some guy that i really like, is 3 years older then me and he likes me back. I was thinking of asking him out, but the thing is, his dad thinks of me as a daughter and if he found out that his son was dating me, um… lets just say this guy i like would be in BIG trouble.

Sarah / November 16th, 2007, 11:34 am / #

yeah, me and my boyfriend has been together for 2 months. and when we first got together we didnt want to be apart. we hardly ever argued and we just loved to have fun. But now, it seems like every night we are arguing. like its over the most stupidest stuff. Like who takes the dog out, and like if he is talking on the phone i get mad, and if im on the phone he gets mad. i dont no, its just really stupid. sometimes when we argue, it makes me want to get up and walk out. he tells me that he loves me and that he never wants to leave me. but i cant stand it when he talks to other girls. it gets on my nerves. yeah it makes me want to yell. but then after a couple of minutes passes, we are inseparable. like we never want to let each other go. then we will go to sleep and hold each other so tight. then the next night thats another story. lol.. but it sucks when we argue. I love him so much and i never want to loose him.l he is my life and everything. love always ashley……….

ashley / February 12th, 2008, 11:19 pm / #

All these is crap. IT never works. if a relationship is meant to die it will. It is all bcos of stupid websites and books like these, that changes the way people in a relationship does things. Thinkin “oh so i should do this cos she is thinkin this” BUT CRAP that. They dont ever listen to their partner anymore. The words here are the words of the bible, and its all true.. whatever their partner says is not valid. That way, its better if they dated the book/website! “oh read this, it would make you feel better” says my boyfriend aft he read this. YEA RIGHT! Better my ass. I need him, not the “bible” words. And this is what websites and books of this sort do. I wish he never started reading such bull.

Pamela / March 28th, 2008, 12:05 pm / #

well.., Wat’s to be said of an hopelessly frustrated ‘Pamela’????? i would just say…. Wat have you got to lose by trying all this ”crap” from” books and websites”? you know its really like a mother with a strangely sick child, who has yet another option to save her baby!!! yeah! nothing is crap except its poisonous………… so in a few words….., if the relationship is worth it, try it!!!

ayo / February 27th, 2010, 4:50 am / #

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